


Hiding a Body from the Authorities

by rhythmickorbit



Series: Transtalia Week- April 2019 [1]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Alternate Universe- D&D, Attempt at Humor, D&D, Friendship, Gen, High Elves, Humor, Mention of Death, Mistakes, Orcs, Platonic Relationships, They accidentally kill the wrong guy, Trans!Elizaveta, Trans!Hungary, Transtalia prompts, halforc!elizaveta, high elf!roderich, mercanaries, nothing graphic tho I promise, ridiculous situations, these three need more time to shine, they are best friends!!!!, this is really stupid, transgender character (only implications tho pffhfhd)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-02
Updated: 2019-04-02
Packaged: 2020-01-01 04:54:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18329021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rhythmickorbit/pseuds/rhythmickorbit
Summary: Three mercenaries- a half-orc fighter, a human ranger, and a high-elven wizard are supposed to kill someone for a bounty. They killed the wrong guy. Now they have to figure out what to do with the body.





	Hiding a Body from the Authorities

**Author's Note:**

> No graphic violence in this, but mentions of dead bodies and stuff.

                “Hey, Liz?”

                Elizaveta grit her teeth. She turned her steely, frustrated gaze to the albino human standing beside her, his expression both bemused and more than a little bit concerned. “ _Yes,_ Gilbert?”

                The human in question swallowed and prodded the unmoving body in front of them with his foot. “I think we killed the wrong guy.”

                Elizaveta’s eye twitched. “What the _fuck_ gave you that opinion, I wonder?” It was ever so tempting at this moment to bash Gilbert’s head in with a warhammer—hypothetically speaking, of course. Which was rapidly approaching the not-hypothetical as she gripped the handle of her weapon with whitening knuckles.

                “Well, for starters,” Gilbert began, turning the finely-dressed corpse all the way over so they could see his face. “He looks nothing like the guy on the wanted poster. Secondly, he looks like an extremely rich merchant, who wouldn’t have any bounty on him anyway. Probably from the Merchant’s Guild?” A breeze ruffled the corpse’s clothing, almost making it seem as though it were breathing. Which would be incredible, considering that the back of its head was bashed in and three arrows were sticking out of its back and stomach collectively. Elizaveta couldn’t parse out anything especially familiar—which was a good sign, at least. Their trio couldn’t very well kill someone that they _knew_.

                “The Merchant’s Guild _was_ the one to put out the bounty.” Roderich’s pompous voice seeped from the foliage behind them, and he seemingly materialized out of nowhere between Elizaveta and Gilbert. Elizaveta took a deep breath to keep herself from startling. She _hated_ when Roderich did that. Especially now, in front of a corpse, which was practically floating in a small puddle of its own blood. “With our luck, it is likely that this person is—was a member of the Guild.”

                “Roderich,” Elizaveta said calmly. A massive headache began to constrict her skull. “Roddy. You are a dear friend and ally to me, but believe me when I say that if you don’t shut up and stop stating the obvious right now I have no qualms about pulverizing you.”

                Roderich shut up. The three stared down at the body spread-eagled on the ground, its empty eyes staring lifelessly toward the sky. The blood had soaked almost completely into the soil by this point, and flies were beginning to gather. Elizaveta pressed her lips together in disgust.

                “We’ve gotta hide the body,” Gilbert’s face looked even more pale than usual. “We do _not_ have enough gold to pay off something like _this._ ” He gestured wildly at the scene in front of them.

                “We most likely would,” Roderich murmured, holding his staff close as if trying to derive comfort from it. “If _someone_ hadn’t spent all of his share at the tavern. On _ale.”_ He turned his purple gaze pointedly at Gilbert, who looked affronted by that very notion.

                “Okay, Mr. Hoity-Toity-Cheapskate-Elf,” Gilbert scowled and jabbed one finger toward Roderich in a fiery fashion. “ _Who_ was the one who bought the overly expensive pastries again?”

                Roderich turned up his chin. “That was different.”

                “Look,” Elizaveta cut in. “We aren’t fixing this… problem by bickering.” She took a deep breath, and prodded the corpse with her foot. It rolled over halfway, and Elizaveta winced when she saw an ant crawling on the dead man’s cheek. “I say we just dig a hole and be done with it. Maybe some bandits waylaid him, or a pack of gnolls got to him. The authorities wouldn’t know.”

                Gilbert considered this, leaning on his longbow like a cane. “Can we loot the body, first?”

                “That is barbaric,” Roderich sniffed, nose upturned in disgust. After a moment of studying the dead man’s fine, brightly colored clothing, however, he glanced at Elizaveta once more. “However…”

                “That goes without saying,” Elizaveta grumbled. “Human society hasn’t completely softened me up. I get first pick, though,” she added hastily, a ring on the corpse’s finger having caught her eye about ten minutes ago.

                “I was the one that killed him!” Gilbert protested, lip curled as he stared at the half-orc beseechingly.

                “You shot one arrow. And proceeded to fight with Roddy like a child. Which is why I’m going first.” Elizaveta, without another word, bent down and plucked the purple ring off of the dead man’s finger. After pocketing it, she heard Roderich snort.

                “Predictable.” He poked her shoulder in a friendly way.

                Elizaveta sniffed and glanced away with embarrassment. The ring would go in her small stash of pretty things—the small, delicate, beautiful objects that she loved dearly but was so afraid to wear. “Just burn the body, Roderich.”

                “I want to search the corpse, too,” Gilbert piped up. “Maybe he sold drugs, or something.”

                “Nonsense, it would be foolish to chase after such a venture with the tightened regulations—“ Roderich stopped when he took out a piece of parchment from the man’s pocket. “By the Raven Queen’s hindquarters.”

                Elizaveta’s eyebrows drew together in confusion, and Gilbert’s raised as the two waited for Roderich to recover from his flabbergasted reaction. Roderich held up the parchment—a series of payment records.

                “Well, Gilbert,” Roderich concluded. “It appears that we _did_ kill a drug dealer.”

**Author's Note:**

> Written for day one of the transtalia week prompts by aph_pasta (or polands-scrunchies on tumblr). The prompt was "High Fantasy", so my brain was like "hey what if it was a dnd au". This counts, right??
> 
> I miiiiight do more for this au in the future but I just really wanted to get this out because it's already late.... Oops.
> 
> Also! Hungary is mtf and no one can change my mind about this. I'm sorry if I didn't clarify it enough in the story, but it wouldn't have really come up in that situation. I have dozens and dozens of headcanons about half-orc Elizaveta and one day I will share all of them,, 
> 
> Umm anyway it made you laugh at least.


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